Hi friends. In a few hours, I will be on my way to Donegal. It's in the south of Ireland but is the most northern part of the island. It consists of beaches, cliffs, pubs and holiday homes. Why are we going there? Retreat time. FLPC is in transition so in theory it seems like a good idea to go away to the middle of nowhere and renew our spirits, enjoy strong fellowship and support each other. Ha. At least we'll be in the sticks so we can scream as loud as we like and not irritate too many people, just the sheep. But seriously, I secretly hope it's a great weekend.

Also, some of you might find it humorous that I resorted to accidental terrorism the other day in Ikea of all places. Right next door to the airport. I thought I was pulling through my recent disappointments pretty well until I brought a knife and pseudo threatned the sales assistant. I had left the knife I used to open the boxes in the boxes and when I returned them there it was. Sharp and shiney. As I lifted it, I was pointing it at the dude, in his striking blue and yellow uniform. "Please don't kill me, I'm too young to die" is what he said. Meanwhile Amy, who gets major props for this entry, is laughing somewhere in the background, no help at all!

Gots to go bake/buy some protestant traybakes...

Should Bill Gates be in the running for a Nobel Peace Prize?

In my opinion, hell no. He gets major props for being super intelligent and hard-working but he does not get a peace prize nomination for pumping a pile of money into third world relief efforts. A nobel peace prize isn't a personal goal to be accomplished. Peeps who win Peace prizes don't care about Peace prizes.

I was accused of needing to 'grow up' for having this opinion. It's a good thing God wants us to have a child-like mind or I'd be in some serious difficulties (apparently!). Are you picking up on the passive aggressiveness yet?

Peeps like Mother Teresa and Ghandi and Dr King recieved Nobel Peace prizes because they dedicated their lives to peace and reconciliation, not their cheque books. They took risks, waded outside the pool of comfort. Peace can't be achieved with money, only by attitude (and not the attitude to give money.) Can you pay people to stop judging, discriminating and holding grudges? Will money stop violence? Sure, maybe money can make the peacemaking process a little easier and quicker in terms of ridding countries of disease but after that there are a alot more problems in store for these peeps now that money is in the equation. Are you a peace maker if you pay for a little kid to be treated for malaria but then send them back home to the same conditions that caused the illness in the first place?

So when Mr. Gates pays to treat peeps of malaria and then goes home with them and lives in their communities instead of jumping in his private jet back home, let me know and I'll consider a nomination.

U2 released their album on digital download today. In Canada. 3weeks before Ireland. My mind does not comprehend. Homeboys gotta remember where they came from, that's all I'm saying. The only legit excuse is that Bono, a close personal friend, didn't get the memo that I wasn't going to make it to Canada this time so wasn't aware that he should re-arrange the release dates. I'm sure that's what went wrong.

In the first 18 days of 2009, alot of things have changed for alot of people I know. Peeps have moved to new homes all over the world and are settling in, trying to find their bearings, other peeps have started new jobs and are trying to figure out where they fit in, sadly there's been break ups and for me, disappointment. Whilst others are trying to adjust to new situations, I'm trying to adjust to mine not being new.

Part of me is content to stay here because my friends make it really easy to focus on everything but what you should be focusing on. I can drive here which increases the bearability factor. Several times this week I got in the car and kept on driving to stop my head from exploding. I have little projects here to sink my teeth into like re-decorating my room and the basement in church. And I posted away 4 application forms this morning for various courses, jobs and internships and if any of those were to materialise, it could be quite exciting.

But if I look at one Camp Peace photo, I still feel sad.

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief.

1.Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

John Bowlby thought this model was a little too complex and referred to the following stages.

1. Shock/Numbness.
2. Yearning/Searching.
3. Disorganization/Despair
4. Reorganization.

Debs Lowry took both of these models into account, and commends both Lizzy and John on their efforts. Indeed, it would seem that one goes through every single stage at some point in every day. But you forgot some important stages

1. Complete and utter disappointment verging on devastation.
2. Exhaustion.
3. Embarrassment.
4. Damage control. Applying for every job/course available.
5. Distracting yourself by hanging out with friends constantly and re-decorating your bedroom.

6. Cluelessness. This is where I'm at right now.
(But some might say thats where I've always been!)

I'm 23 today. I was supposed to be on a plane to Canada, celebrating with sushi, tim hortons and good friends on the other side but instead I am drinking shitty coffee on Belfast's excuse for the London eye. How does one deal with such disappointment? Yesterday I was devastated. My eyes were puffy and even a crazy game of Taboo couldn't distract me. Today I feel better and older and my eyes are still puffy from my session with Mr Jack D. JOKE. Tomorrow I'll start the re-evaluation process with an expensive therapist, dietition and personal trainer. Not true.

This is what my calender says today...

"In thee do I put my trust" Psalms 16:1. That way I can't fail.

Mmm.

To cut a messy story clean, my application for a work permit was refused because I haven't been home in the UK for 6months. Hence my not so indirect outburst of pure anger towards the Canadian Government. It could be worse....they could have denied me access to the country completely or they could have denied my work permit because I had gonnorheoa. There's the silver lining.

And the really annoying thing about the entire situation...I can't even talk to somebody at the High Commission to ask the questions I need answering. It's all automated services and press 1 to hear info about blah and press 2 to hear info about blah. It's like they know they are highly inconveniencing/destroying people's futures for BS reasons so make themselves untouchable. I would have better luck contacting the IRA or Italian Mafia than a visa officer.

What am I going to do now? Basically I'll decide tomorrow. Despite the impression I may be giving off, I am trying to take some time to rest, read, pray and not be angry. At the end of the seemingly longest day ever, it is all out of my power. The only decision I have to make is whether or not to get on the plane Wed.

Canada Customs and Immigration are dicks. Peace out.