In anticipation of this upcoming year, I am going to celebrate the new year as it hits every country around the world. Each hour I will play House of Pain, jump around and wish the closest person a Happy New Year in the appropriate language.

Another Christmas Day over. Boxing day, the official pyjama day has started off nicely, sitting on the the sofa watching all the Christmas TV specials I missed yesterday. This Christmas was especially quiet and uneventful, but not without it's highlights including beating my dad home in a tantalizing car race.

Driver 1 drives a big mercedes and Driver 2 (thats me) drives a micra, it's cute but the size of a shoebox. By chance we meet each other on the dual carriageway and I stay close behind him. I could overtake him at this point but it would involve breaking 3 laws, which normally I might do so late at night, but not when Driver 1 is your dad who pays the insurance. Lets be sensible. My opportunity finally comes when I'm able to cut through the town centre while he bypasses. I flash a few red lights, they turn green and I beat him to the round-about where I have right of way. Just 2secs later and I would have been defeated. But I remain victorious.

It is now only 11days until I fly back to Vancouver. 6 more long shifts at work. 2 Sundays @ First Lisburn Presby C. 2 more pay cheques. 1 NYE shindig. Once more I have to make sure I see peeps, pack sensibly and leave my affairs in order. Starting right now.

I'm going to go eat some turkey.

Today I proved that Christmas can be done in a day, more or less. All you need is one day off work and a car. Don't get up too early or you'll fade early. It's all about endurance. Coffee number one and a cereal bar to go. Hit up downtown first, free parking at church (sweet!). Lodge some money in the bank, buy some gifts in the bookstore. Coffee number two to go. Drive out to Marks & Spencers, your darling place of employment. Wear a stylish hat or sunglasses so nobody notices you and realises how lame you are being in work on your one day off. Can I help it if the bloody place sells everything? Buy your stocking fillers (3 for the price of 2), family gifts, christmas flowers, turkey, pudding, mince pies and mulled wine all on 20% staff discount. Things start to get busy at this point and chances are a complete moron will be manning the checkout you choose so pick a fun aisle to queue down (hint:not the pet food aisle). Coffee number 3 to go. Quick stop at the chemist for painkillers.

Now its the big one, what you have dreaded all day. Tescos. For international readers, that would be grocery store. The traffic to get into the carpark is right round the roundabout a mile away. Have a festive CD in your car to play at this point. It's dog eat dog in there, no time for Christmas spirit or manners, just go go go. Grab everything, never look peeps in the eye, its full on trolley wars. 2 hours later all the food for Christmas dinner is bought, packed and loaded into the car. Coffee number 4 to go. Stop at a friends house for some free food and review the situation. Back into town for any gifts you have forgotten as well as wrapping paper and card.

Back home. Into your pjs, stick Love actually on the TV, hot chocolate on the side, wrap all your presents, stick em under the tree and you're good to go.

I should work in the North Pole.

I passed my driving test today. I could tell you guys how excited I am, relieved, free to go where I please. Instead here are my top tips on how to pass your driving test in Lisburn city.

1. Do not practice for 72hours the day before your test.

2. Work so many hours that you can't think about driving or cars or roads or signs the week of the test. If you do, you'll burn yourself on the coffee machine.

3. Befriend your examiner asap. Sympathize with the fact that he spends his life driving around Lisburn in the passenger seat.

4. Make a point of telling the examiner, (whose name is Brian, I know this because we are friends now, see point 3 above) how many times you have previously failed. This makes you a professional.

5. When reversing around a corner, and about to hit a curb but don't know whether to drive back out and start again or keep going with fingers crossed, talk so much about your possible options that Brian eventually just tells you what to do.

Good luck future test takers. I hope Brian is you're examiner because he is a legend.

Days off are beautiful things, right up there with Christmas trees and frosty mornings. But they disappear in no time. It's like how when you are a little kid excited for Santa and Christmas Eve goes on forever. You try to waste time watching the christmas movies on tv and you go to bed earlier than any other night in the year with no complaining. And then Christmas Day comes and it's over before you know it. No fair.

So what do you do on a day off. You start with coffee, go figure. You hate the coffee shop but get withdrawal symptoms your first morning without the smell of fresh ground coffee beans. Then you catch up on the TV you missed. Then you go to hospital and have them shoot beams of high energy electrons at your chest to make pretty black and white pictures of your skeleton. They charge you for telling you you're normal and for wearing their ugs hospital gowns.

Then you go back home, fall asleep accidentally on the sofa and waste 3hours of your glorious day off, cook some meatballs and spaghetti for dinner, write in your blog so your 3 regular readers know you're alive and still complaining, watch a christmas movie then go to sleep.

ZzzZzzZzz

Martin Smith (Delirious) had an idea to head a campaign that was soon to become known as Compassionart. 12 talented and reputable Christian worship artists committed to writing 15 records in 5 days and giving them away. Writing a song to God is a very personal thing so can you imagine doing it with 11 other people without injury? And then to bypass all the legal jargon so that 100% of proceeds and royalties go to the people that need it in countries like Africa, India, Brazil, Cambodia. It happened in 2008.

I follow the work of Watoto with orphans in Africa pretty closely after some good friends of mine picked me up a leaflet @ missionsfest last year. It is exactly the type of organisation I would like to work with in the future and is one of the chosen causes of CompassionArt which is how I came across the campaign.

It doesn't matter what kind of music you are into or what your views are on contemporary praise songs. I have never liked Delerious or Michael W Smith but seeing their work on this campaign is inspiring and I have a new found respect for their work. Worship and Justice for the poor are 2 of the most influential aspects of modern theology, which makes modern worship leaders and campaigns like this one very relevant. We might not remember all the sermons that we hear but praise songs and their lyrics stick with us and projects like CompassionArt and the results of organisations like Watoto will leave lasting impressions.

The record is good and the message is golden. These artists are using their talents from God to further His kingdom and the reconciliation of humanity. It's something we can all strive for.

Guess who jumped back on the train headed for the real world? It's me, Debs, working girl once more. I spend my days rotating throughout various tasks....making coffee, making polite conversation @ the till point whilst ripping people off, toasting teacakes and filling baked potatoes, washing dishes, cleaning tables or, when I'm really lucky, I get to stand at a portable coffee cart beside Santa's grotto in the freezing cold. My mind changes about 231 times each day about whether I like it or hate it.

PROS
Money.
Constant smell of fresh espresso is like drinking espresso shots constantly which is like being high.
Money.
Time flies like it does when you're having fun.
Money.

CONS
I burn myself everyday. On the coffee contraption, the milk frother, the ovens and the dishwasher.
I cut myself with knives or scissors.
I have to wash my uniform every day.
My hair smells like coffee and the rest of me smells like ham and cheese toasties
The process of recruiting secret agents for a counter terrorist unit based in Lisburn has been put on hold.

Despite all that, I am very grateful to have a job. I am just the type of person who will always complain about a job like this one because I am passionate about working with youth and saving the world. When you are in the midst of the lunchtime rush, with 11 toasties cooking at once, another 5 waiting and peeps shouting numbers all over the show, you have to reassure yourself 'it's only temporary'.

I'm trying to find a flight to Vancouver in January. Sounds simple and very exiting mmm? It's not.

Here's the problem. There's this little important piece of colourful paper known as a VISA. Foreign peeps won't let you into their country without afore mentioned visa whereas in NI, anyone and their terrorist brother can walk in no questions asked. They would probs be offered a beer and a handshake in fact.

It takes 6weeks to process a VISA, or at least that is what it says online. So in reality it could take a hell of a lot longer. Anyways, lets stay focused. It's only been 4 weeks 2days so far. So flights are getting more expensive, I'm working full-time and trying to get in touch with the canadian consolate at the same time during office hours while waiting patiently for the brown envelope to arrive in the post. A brown envelope which I am expecting to have a shiny white light surrounding it and voices humming the tune to topgun.

Do I (and feel free to wager in) take a risk without the visa in my hand and book a flight now that puts me right back where I started when I came home debt-wise or do I wait permanently on-edge and book a flight 2days before Christmas hoping for a last minute deal?

Also if any millionaires, owners of private jets, airline workers with discount or potential lottery winners have grown accustomed to reading my blog, please donate to the cause. I will give you my family and my karaoke machine.

Mr M. Spencer aka Bossman/The suit: Debs, can you take this afternoon off and work tomorrow night?

Debs: Sure.

Worst idea. I spent my afternoon collecting new music including 101 crazy power ballads. Despite now having a rather impressive and extensive music library, it was a waste of an afternoon. I could have worked on my book. Made a movie. Put up a Christmas Tree. Taken photo's of the beautiful frosty streets. Baked cookies. Gone home and done my laundry. Read a book. Booked a flight to Vancouver. Called a friend.

Crappy. I'm going to go for a walk in the icy cold right now to make myself feel better.

But, one more thing.....now would be a good time to confess my love for Master Josh Groban, musician extraordinaire. His voice is so good, I would go so far as to say enchanting. The good news is that he is currently single i.e. no gf, no wife, no kids. I would like to remedy that. So if you know Joshy-G, get him to read this blog entry. Thanks.

Youtube him. Now.

Collateral Damage defn damage that is unintended or incidental to the intended outcome.

I walked home this evening, it early but dark and very very cold. Snow is expected. The sky was so clear and it's the first time I've so many stars in a long time. I live in a development of a million homes. I walked through the whole estate and I did'nt pass a single soul, or even a car, not one living thing. It was silent. Just Josh Groban on my ipod. It felt like 28 days later. Like a suburban desert. It was quite unsettling. But in a few weeks when there is snow and Christmas lights decorating the streets, it will be my favourite thing to do.

"Most birds were created to fly. being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. You, Mack, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around. Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almose forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

5 Reasons I hate Monday 24th November, 2008.

1. My aspirations of becoming an F1 driver were once again dashed.
2. A conscious decision to screw positive thinking leads me to climb back into bed after disappointment and feel sorry for myself in between naps for 3 hours.
3. Returning to the land of positivity, jumping out from the under the covers just to trip and fall as a result of the shit that has accumulated all over my bedroom.
4. Sketchy kebab for dinner.
5. Having to admit to defeat and ask for the answer.

5 Reasons Monday 24th November 2008 wasn't that bad.

1. My room is now spotless and an area of peace and tranquility.
2. The curry fried rice I ordered later on in secret.
3. Expanding my global vocabulary.
4. Santa Claus on my coke bottle.
5. My evening painting door frames with Nik whilst the boys lock us out of their male bonding time. Keith and Crofty...it's the principle. Think about it.

At one point in my life, I made a decision and said 'Jesus, change me. I am yours.' That was awesome. Once I made that commitment, I put myself inside a circle. A circle where God is at the centre and never moves. But I can move because God gave me the freedom to move and I choose to move. By the choices I make, I can slide away to the very periphery of this circle or I can place myself right beside God where I can clearly see Him and His grace in my life. He never leaves the circle and He never pushes me out of the circle.

I will never leave the circle, even in the times I want to.

Why?

Jesus in me. When I make mistakes, ignore boundaries, make bad judgements like I have recently I wake up and I feel guilt. My heart and my mind feels it when I do wrong things and I can't ignore it. In the times when I am at the very edge, when I'm not praying, the Holy Spirit is praying for me.

And hopefully the next time, faced with the same situations I will do the right thing and respect the limits.

Blogs are kind of stupid when you think about it. Sure it's fun to tell peeps about funny stories or inspiring thoughts but when you go through something substantial in your life, you can't write about it to protect the peeps involved. And yourself. Maybe I'll start an anonymous blog and brutally tell the truth.

I love Formula 1. I first started watching it because I fell in love with Jenson Button, at age 14. The more I watched it the more I appreciated the beauty of the cars and the intelligence of the mechanics. But despite the seriousness of the sport and the absurd expensiveness of the sport in a world apparent economic crisis, this video sums up why I love the sport. Some of the most intelligent drivers and engineers making fools of themselves. Perfection. And who doesn't want to relive Jenson's first win or the day Schumacher broke down in tears.

I FAILED my driving test this morning. Some of you who know me may laugh, but this time I deserved to pass. My examiner was just a stick who had a bad week, clearly. To make myself feel better I bought shoes. It didn't work. And on the way home we got stuck in the worst traffic jam since Deep Impact. I was surrounded by cars. Cars everywhere with people legally allowed to drive them. People with little pink plastic licenses rather than my crummy blue one.

I finally got home, pulled on some cosy pjs, ate some irish chinese food, watched Greys anatomy, looked at my watch thinking sleepy time and it was 7pm. Shit. To save me from myself, I grabbed some jeans and went to church for a little singing and sermoning. The guy speaking talked about how you don't always have to be talking about the gospel to be enjoying fellowship together. Which made me think of my own amigos. Ask us to get together and watch stupid movies and we will. Ask us to get together and complain about church and we will. Ask us to get together and drink coffee and we will. But ask us to get together and get deeper and we're all busy. One word...disconnected.

And here is a verse I want to hear your opinion on, "without a vision the people perish"~Proverbs

I had a small meltdown this evening whilst out and about practicing some parking for my upcoming driving test. I spent 45 mins trying to reverse park into this one space and halfway through I started to cry because it was so beyond my understanding that somebody with a degree in Chemistry could not perfect reversing the littlest car in the UK. 45 mins driving in and out of one parking space. This one space was my giant. A giant I wanted to run over with my little car. And his (or her!) stupid white lines.

Turns out, the parking spaces weren't even rectangles, they were kind of fanned out because of the incline of the road so it was actually impossible to park in line with the white lines.

I'm putting out a global prayer request for the events in Lisburn on Friday morning. Pray for the drivers of the road and the pedestrains and pray most of all for my examiner because if he makes me cry or fails me, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

P.S. Congrats Obams

I had 2 amazing conversations with 2 amazing friends today. Both conversations were really challenging. I think a few years ago, things were very black and white for me and I always wondered why Christians would over complicate things. Now that I am a little older and further on in my walk with Jesus, I have realised why things get complicated. The closer we get to God and the more familar we are with His message, the more mysterious he becomes at the same time and the more we realise how much we don't actually know at all. So things get complicated, there are more questions, more doubts and more grey area's. But I believe that when we get to heaven, and find out the real answers, we are going to laugh ourselves stupid at the arguements and debates we had because the answers are going to be so simple but so beyond human comprehension.

Conversation one looked a little like....ONCE SAVED ALWAYS SAVED? Faith vs Works. Which is more important? Do they come in hand in hand? Is just one enough? Is it enough to just belive in Jesus? Does it depend on circumstance?

Conversation two went along the lines of putting God at the centre of our relationships. Do I pray enough for those closest to me? Do I pray with those closest to me? Am I scared to voice my opinions on the bible? Am I scared to voice my opinions with my closest friends? Am I scared to admit that I am vulnerable in my faith and that there's alot I am still unsure of? Am I willing to let those closest to me share that vulnerability? Am I willing to let somebody work through it with me?

I also did a little vacuuming today, in my car, and tried to suck up my own eye and a spider. Who would have thought that I would find a kindred spirit in a garbage disposal robot.

What a MAD weekend! You'll only get that if you were one of the thousand young people or youth leaders at MAD 10 this past weekend. I always enjoy worship conferences, and seeing so many young people hearing God's message is inspiring. But it wasn't so good for me this time. Maybe it's because I missed some of my kids who weren't there, or maybe it's because I turned up late, or maybe it's because I've outgrown it.

I love kids and I'm going to spend most of my life I reckon working with and for kids, hopefully all around the world. So I look at these events, the songs they sing, what the speakers talk about, the layout, the program and in my head I am thinking of all these different ways I would do it to make it better. It's a little bit similar to why I don't like buying books geared towards youth workers. Why would you use other people's ideas when you can use your own? Write your own book.

A friend of mine, he is quite special and spends alot of time playing addicting games in a trucker house far far from here. Well he suggested that I write a love letter. Because obviously if I wasn't willing to write lyrics or poetry, I'd be totally excited about writing a love letter. But for a laugh, here are my best attempts...

Dear boyfriend,

"Remember that time we shoplifted together? It was the moment you took my hand and we ran away from security together that I knew I wanted to be with you forever."

"I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you, with reference to our first meeting on 21st October. Our love affair would be on probation for 6months, and pending on compatibility would be made permanent. On completion of probation, there would be regular on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from boyfriend to spouse. I request that you would kindly respond within 21days of recieving this letter. It would be greatly appreciated if you could forward this onto your very cute lifeguard brother , if you do not wish to take up this offer."

"I love you. Oh baby, oh baby. You make me whole again. You are the wind beneath my wings. It's you in the morning, afternoon and night. I can't imagine life without you. Oh baby, oh baby"

Love debs xoxo

(I think I prefer chocolate and beer to love letters.)

It's been a week and I have no thoughts worth blogging about. Or at least no thoughts I'm willing to post on the internet. I could write a song but that would be lame. I could write a poem but that aint my style. I could write an article on something I'm passionate about like world peace but I'm too lazy. I could make up an entry to make my life seem more exciting but I already tried that. I'm fresh out of idea's. I need some inspiration.

So inspire me...

Today I got out of bed and somebody had made me my favourite breakfast. Warm weetabix, yoghurt and toast with fresh squeezed orange juice. I changed into my pretty new clothes and hopped in the car (because I passed my driving test) and I drove into Belfast to meet up with my 4 awesome girlfriends who were able to spontaneously take a day off work so we could all get our hair done. I drove back to Lisburn, with my shiny new hair to stop at church. When I got there, my minister was able to tell me about the churches new proposal to extend the building to make a youth department with a new sports hall and study rooms and offices. As if this day couldn't get any better, when I went back to my car there was a paper bag beside the front wheels with cash in it. Enough cash for me to book flights to go see all my friends all over the world that I miss so much. Enough cash that my parents were no longer worried about me and fully supported me.

This entire entry is a lie.

tired adj; out of patience, exhausted of strength and energy, bored or over-used.

I'm really tired. I have written this entry and deleted it constantly all day trying to put into words the last 48hours. And the only thing I can write with confidence is 'I'm tired'. I fought with my church, my friend and my parents. I'm tired of having to stand up for myself to the people who should be fighting my corner. I'm tired of not trusting anybody. I'm tired of feeling defeated. I'm tired of waiting and I'm tired of worrying that things aren't going to work out. I'm tired of going to bed downheartened and waking up and pulling the duvet back over me head.

Can I go to bed and wake up the day I get on a plane out of here please?

There is a small room in the basement of First Lisburn Presbyterian Church. A lonely room, understated and rarely used. One day, 2 talented, gifted young adult leaders at the church decide to turn the room into a sweet ass prayer room, paint the walls with verses, fill it with cushions and low lights, create an atmosphere that feels far away and cut off from the inevitable hustle and bustle surrounding a city centre church.

It serves it's purpose and the room is no longer lonely and understated, it is vibrant and alive. The youth of the church feel safe in this room surrounded by God's words. A room customised for their needs.

Another day, months later and unbeknown to the young growingly frustrated young adult leaders of the church, session decides that the red, white and blue colours of the room are too political and should be painted over. The room lost it's personality that day, as quickly as it gained it. The youth small groups were stripped of the one space that was theirs. And for what?

That is the story of how one room can tip the scales. That room, in a way, symbolised what we wanted to offer our youth at our church but it was destroyed. No consultation, no warning, no discussion. How long can we keep trying to make this church what it can be?

I read the perfect devotional this morning. I woke up and the sun was blazing through the window, it made me so happy that I literally hopped out of bed. I grabbed a random daily devo book that I had followed during final year @ university and sat outside fighting the thoughts of another long unexciting day.

So I open the book, 8th October and it talks about feeling despondent in life and praying for help to use your time wisely. Remind you of anybody....downhearted.....bored....Debs? I need to be steadfast and immovable in my determination to seek out the work that is His will for my life. So in tune with where my head is at. It really encouraged me to smile and embrace the day.

And it didn't turn out too badly.

Father,

I am so glad you have blessed us with unique character traits that keep giving us the power we need and that keep sustaining us in the midst of inevitable hardships. Thank you for the fruits of the spirit, peace and patience, that you make so readily available to us. It is only through endurance that these gifts shine through. With them, we can process both the exciting and unwelcome events in our lives with a more godly understanding which in turn helps us to trust your ways and your timing. By trusting you instead of our changing circumstances, we find changeless grace and abiding peace.

Amen

Frustration; 1. To feel nullified, discouraged, confused.

                       2. To feel prevented from accomplishing a purpose or fulfilling a desire.

What is the opposite? Content? Satisfied? Elated?

And how do you find it amidst everything and everyone that frustrates you? Do you take a risk, get up and go without a plan or do you wait it out? If you sit every evening and write a list of everything you have been blessed with, can you trick your human nature into focusing on God and his blessings first? 

Yesterday was a day for the record books in terms of things that could go wrong. Whatever I touched, broke or spilt or nearly died. It's a little bit like one compartment in my life shifted all of a sudden and now the other compartments are trying to catch up or adjust or figure out what on earth is going on! By the end of the day all you could do was laugh, or else you would cry!!

Blair left this morning....I spent the afternoon feeling pretty lowsy really wishing that my flight out of here was alot sooner. Like tomorrow! 

Hello blog. 

So many times on my little 'roadtrip' vaca I wished I could blog about the things we did and the things we talked about. Although it wasn't even a full week we were away, it felt like so much longer. We saw so so many castles and chased alot of sheep. Blair and I were able to visit the shittiest parts of England and some of the most beautiful parts. I will never forget walking the barren streets of Blackpool desperately trying to salvage the day and I will never forget beautiful Windermere. We looked like hobo's most of the time, read alot, enjoyed unaturally awesome weather, made our own chocolate, made friends with the polish, lived it up in a pretty little B n B  and roughed it up in a broken sleeping bag and smelly boy tent. 

All the elements of a successful and memorable holiday. But boy am I looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight! Definitely more stories to come....

 

Ireland is so beautiful and even though I don't want to stay here for much longer, I will always come back here to visit for the beauty and the quiet and the community. It takes a visitor to appreciate it all!   

Today I  had a driving lesson in the rain and the car broke. Then I had to go to the job centre and sign on for job seekers benefits because I still have no job and no money. Then I got in trouble with my parents for my finances just like I did in high school. Then I went out for dinner that made me feel really sick afterwards. Then I hung out with friends in Belfast but didn't say a word because I felt like I was on the outside of a bubble and all conversation was muffled. I still smiled all day, remained my cheerful self but everything keeps pointing down the 'you're not supposed to be here' road. Was I kidding myself thinking I could stay here for a year? Are my friends and family enough to keep me here? They used to be.

Blair arrives tomorrow.....I get to meet new people and go on a mini roadtrip vacation next week. Just what I need. I keep thinking how awesome it would be if all my Vancouver peeps were coming, we would have so much freakin fun!! 

A new day, a new week and the restoration of our spare room. Emphasis on the work 'spare'. To cut an extremely long story short, 3 occupied bedrooms has been cut down to 2. And instead of seeing a therapist, I found some healing when I started to re-decorate un-occupied bedroom No.3. For the entire day, I played my music, sang out loud, inhaled paint fumes and revamped. Whilst painting, I thought through all the shit in my head because what else do you do when you stare at blocks of colour all day? 8hours and 4 colours later, when I stood back and looked at the beautiful mess I had achieved, it felt like some of the shit had gone. 

So next time you feel trapped or overwhelmed or under prepared or indecisive....re-decorate. Or even just paint a random wall.

Tomorrow....building furniture. With a hammer.

8 out of 10 cats agree's that the name of this blog must change immediately. Whilst channel surfing, I stopped at MTv for a bit where some stupid dating show was showing and from what I can gather, there is one girl and however many guys fighting for her in one bling bling house. 

One of the guys names was 'Tailor Made' 

and my heart sank. 

Unfortunately, my imagination isn't very inspired so I need some helpful suggestions thank you.

In true break up style, while my ex is moving on this first day back at camp, I took the chance to dig out my keepsake box full of photo's, newspaper cuttings, love letters and non-love letters from high school and university. We all have one, even guys keep some things. In one hour I laughed so hard and felt so guilty for some of the stupid things I did and cringed at some of the letters people had sent me back then. In just a few years I have become alot more cynical. Forecast isn't good for my thirties if I'm this cynical at 22.

I'm not worried about my ex though. As Ross once said, we're on a break and that break will be over sooner that you think.

FYI I'm still talking about Vancouver, not an actual boy. Like I would blog on the WORLD WIDE web about my love life. I'm just trying to achieve my goal this week of becoming a literary genius. Next week a movie star. Following week, a judge on X-factor with Simon Cowell.

I'm doing my little feedback thing at church today, telling the congregation all about my experiences in 20mins or something ridiculous like that. So despite all my efforts to move on from constantly thinking about it, I was forced to think about it. And this is what I came up with...

Vancouver broke up with me and now I have to watch it date other people. 

It's hard to come home and find where you belong after such a long time away. For the first time you have a chance to reflect on all that time away from home...university, flying visits home, relationships that go with the flow and a year in Vancouver.

Probably about 11 out of the 12 hours of the day are boring and hard to get through, but every so often you get a little encouragement that lets you know it's going to work out ok with time. Lunch with a friend, interest for a job you didn't think you had a chance of getting, somebody is happy you're back or a message from somebody back home. 

So many thoughts this evening, and it's so rude because I am supposed to be on a date with my sofa.

I went to CFC, Christian Fellowship Church, for the first time this evening. It was their 'youth' service but there were peeps of all ages, about 500 peeps of all ages. And I really enjoyed it. The sermon was given by 2 pastors who have been working in South Africa (already awesome) and are now ministering at City Church Belfast. He talked about our inheritance as the people of God and being on fire for God with regards to the charimastic church. She (and this is the bit I liked) then tagged in and talked about wisdom and discernment and not being a gullable people. She also mentioned how important it was to be grounded at a home church so that you can be held accountable when you go out into the world. This obviously spoke to me as somebody who is so desperate to get out again already.

This all affirms my decision to take on the Blaze program at church. Blaze is aimed at 16-18 year olds, which this year makes up the core of our youth. It needs to be a program that is appropriate for believers with questions, at a crucial stage of their faith life. It will be a challenge to design but there is alot of potential and if I am going to get involved with anything at FLPC, this is what I want it to be.

So the story continues...debs tries to 'settle'

Last night I went out for chinese food, people made inappropriate asian jokes and I was the only person eating with chopsticks and got ripped for it. On the other hand, I caught up with some of my favourite peeps which was so awesome.

Tonight I went to a make-your-own beer festival. I had beer from Poland, Italy, Mexico, Belgium, Estonia and the Czeck Republic. You know your back in NI when you spend an entire Saturday night in the one chair, with 6 different beers and nothing to do the next day.

This story would be so much better big brother style.

Exactly one week since I flew home with zoom airlines and today they announce they have gone out of business and left hundreds of brits stranded across the world. Well....I wish I was one of those peeps stranded in Vancouver. Haha!! I'm obviously meant to be stuck here for some reason so let's wait and see...

I am going to be an expert blogger if i can't get over this jet lag sometime soon. It's 4am and I am wide awake with not alot to do! I went downstairs to find a yummy snack and discovered that my parents keep our fridge well stocked with a range of beer, wine, spirits and mixers so if things don't work out in the next few months I can always turn to drink. Comforting.

I am also discovering the joys of job searching. First you have that heavy feeling you get when you have something important to do that hangs over your head constantly affecting your ability to relax. Then you get that really good feeling of productivity when you spend time working on your resume so that it's perfect, looking through available jobs and sending your resume out with very professional sounding emails. And now it's that horrible waiting period when you have nothing much to do except drink and blog.

This is fun. My song for today, stealing the concept from a fellow blogger of mine...."Longway to happy" Pink

Can anybody inform me why there are lines through the text on my page all of a sudden? Can you guys all see it on your computers?? Or is the culture shock messing with my vision...

Here I am on the other side....

And it still feels like I have never been away. I came home and went to church, and it was so good to see old friends and family but it was too wierd. I'm  sitting here in bed thinking about how I'm staying here for a year and I feel nauseous.

I really do wonder what the next few months have in store for me....

Vancouver peeps -----> I miss you and your country alot right now!

So you have 5 days to prepare to turn the page to the NI post-life-changing experience chapter. You pace yourself, taking the time to see the people you need to, saying what you want to who you want and thinking through the whole process. But the day finally comes when you can get on the plane and fly home and to be honest, you are ready for it. Sad but still ready. Even a little excited to see peeps back home. You pack up all your stuff, clear your room, throw out a whole load of crap and drive to the airport. Go check what desk to check in at....

Flight Z40366 Tard a 23.00

Delayed 5hours

Due to the plane being broken

The same plane I am going to board in 52mins

Peace Out

I hate schedules and I cannot wait for a time in the future when my life is not a schedule. 

Here I was thinking having 5days of quiet would be great to pack up my things here properly, take a break and maybs see some chillens at some point. NO. Everyday is jam packed with things to do and people to see and I am clutching my 8hours sleep each night like it was treasure of some sort. My goodbyes are scattered all over the place that I can't keep track and I don't have time to think about it or have feelings about it. I am numb.

I think I am going to go splash some cold water on my face now...

I said goodbye to some pretty important peeps this morning. But it was ok. I'm doing good with it and I think its because I know that it isn't goodbye. I know that I want to be back here within the next year so I will see my friends again. It's exactly the same way I haven't seen peeps from home for 8months. It's comforting, that feeling that it is the right time to take a break.

I took one of my kids swimming today and it was hilarious. I was pretending to be dead on a big green floating turtle when he climbed on top, started shaking my hand shouting "Jack, Never let go Jack". Then I sank down into the water laughing so hard it probs looked like I was actually drowning! We did a way better job than Kate and Leo!

(FYI Mamma Mia the movie is ridics)

Do you love Jesus?

Right now, at Urban Promise we are reflecting on this question and what it means to us as a part of our devotional time. It seems like a pretty basic question and the answer is, of course, yes. But I think what the question entails is whether or not we have accepted the absolute unconditional love from Jesus and are attempting to love in the same way in return.

In the book we are reading, the author talks about a second love which is the earthly love we search for. We look to our friends and our families to feel loved, belonging, affection, acceptance and intimacy. We say we love Jesus and all we want is Jesus yet we look everywhere else for the things we can only truly find through Jesus. When we look for it from people, it can end up in sadness, anger, rejection, betrayal and loneliness. 

So after thinking about it like that, I'm going to try and start looking in the right places for what I need and continue exploring what it looks like to love unconditionally in return. Easy

It is hot in Vancouver homes! And I love it! (makes the kids a little whiny though)

So here's the rundown...

I purchased my Nike dunks this evening which is amazing because I have been threatning to buy them for months. And now I feel strangely satisfied. 

My brother flies in tomorrow evening and I'm nervous. In an excited way. I think it has been stressing me out thinking of entertaining him whilst living my life. Hopefully it all works out. I'm assuming he is going to love Vancouver as much as I do!

And I suppose I should mention the fact that it is the last week of summer camp and nearly the last time I will see alot of these kids for a while. It feels like a normal week right now. I'm tired and sweaty 24/7. But now when the kids hug me, I hug them a little tighter than usual. It's going to be really hard and I have no doubts that the waterworks will be flowing full throttle on Friday afternoon but I am confident that my time with UrbanPromise and in Vancouver isn't finished yet. I just have to sort things out at home before I can really get started.

Funniest conversation of the day...

Talking about reasons why Jon can't be batman

Kid: He wears glasses

Jon: I can't be Batman because I'm Asian

Kid: You're not Asian

Jon: Yes I am...just like you

Kid: I'm not Asian

Jon: What are you then?

Kid: I'm chinese!

Told you it was funny!

Man...I just read through the personal goals I posted (June 28th) for my summer 2008 and I have not worked at some of them at all! I have totally allowed the schedules and the chaos and the insecurities get in the way. 

It's a good thing I still have some time left to change things around...

To be continued.

Well I'm happy again tonight...flip it's the weekend, of course I'm happy!! And @ Camp Peace Remix today we worked @ M.O.B.Y Community Garden and it was awesome! Peeps walking past would stop and watch and talk to the kids and the leaders. It was so encouraging to see how something which is so fun and close-by for the kids to do can impact the community. Each of those people walking past today saw Camp Peace getting down and dirty to help their community out. 

Nice work kids!

An UrbanPromise summer is the only place in my lifetime where I have been able to be so happy one day with my job and so pissed about it the next. I love the kids in my program and appreciate that my job is relatively simple but Camp Peace Remix is overshadowed and compromised throughtout the summer constantly and as its leader, there are times when I feel completely patronised and under-estimated. Just sometimes, like tonight.

But those feelings are worth it to spend another 8weeks with my kids. And it's stupid because I know that Urbs Prom peeps care alot about me. 

(Random thought for this evening....what vibes am I giving off to people by my actions and the things I say?)

So this weekend we hit up Squamish and Whistler for an overnight stay that turned into what peeps refer to as a gong show here in Canada. Basically, anything that could go wrong went wrong. We didn't arrive until 3pm because of "traffic", the campsite was full and there was a ban on fires and bbqs because of the dry season. 

So we had nowhere to sleep and no way to eat our hotdogs. 

We brainstormed a little....using hot water in the public washrooms to warm the weiners, knocking on doors asking to borrow a grill despite it being illegal and offering beer to a couple of rednecks in return for the use of their firepit. Go figure, we settled on the latter and it worked. Larry and Glen kindly allowed all 13 of us to raid their firepit and portable potty. We then proceeded to drive 30mins off the highway in the dark until we found a clearing to set up camp, using the light from our van headlights. Turns out their were some crazy rocks under our tent but luckily I wasn't stuck with them (what's a few rocks between friends Blair?!). 

Good times HA! So good we're planning another camping trip for next weekend...

I told y'all week 3 would be better than week 2. It's still hard at times but my bro is for sure coming to visit 7th August and peeps seem to have lightened up a little bit for now. Here's hoping that I can manage to balance my time right and spend quality time with everybody I would like to before I have to fly home. You guys know who you are. 

I was surfing through some friends blogs just now and found an entry about one of my very own bible lessons so if any of you is interested to know a little about my teaching style, check this out. 

It's hard to evaluate your life as much when you're running summer camp, it's all about survival of the fittest but I am trying to rebel less and be joyful. Today I taught my kids about Jeremiah and faithfulness, what it means and how we practice it. I talked about obeying and trusting God in the face of everything, like Jeremiah and being faithful through strength, perseverance, courage and prayer. The kids seemed to get it and I think I did too.

 

Sunday. 1/3 way through the summer mark. Feels like this has been my lifestyle for 6months, not 2weeks. After Schools Program feels like a dream. Week 2 was worse than week 1, which makes me feel stressed and cranky and utterly discourged. I can't even exactly pinpoint the problem right now. I think it is a mixture of super long days, paranoia, insecurities and feeding off other people's stress. But today, on this beautiful Sunday, I am choosing to take some time to myself to catch up on life and recuperate. Week 3 will be better than week 2....

I was reading Psalm 51 last night and 3 things stood out for me, so I think I'll look more into them.

"For I recognise my rebellion, it haunts me day and night."

"Restore to me the JOY of your salvation"

"The sacrafice you desire is a broken spirit"

Yesterday, after a rough night, I took some time to chill out with my brother Ryan, and a few things came up in conversation that I consider so blog worthy that I am taking time out on my relaxing Sunday morning to type it up.

We contemplated starting an organisation which would be known as "Join the Taliban and receive a free cell phone". I believe this originated from a television commercial if that is any justification for those who feel slightly offended. Jess then thought it would be hilarious if we could poke people on facebook and have it appear as "You were just poked by the taliban". We reckon if we took it far enough, we could at least make the local news.

As if this wasn't enough fun in a day, we then discovered that we could play MarioKart with the rest of the world from the comfort of the UrbanPromise house. We were playing against my peeps in Europe, Brazil, Middle Eastern and a hardcore gamer (from America, obviously) called Cam. He swept us both under the table though, because he has no life and plays rainbow road contantly. 

Then there was poker in the evening. It was fun but there was too much excitement in my day prior for me to fully concentrate. 

First day of Summer Camp. First sesh @ Remix, just chilling in the park.

Lets run races across the field and pack.

Nicholas: Why don't you make me lick the toilet instead?

Retreat 2008 is over and Summer Camp starts in T-1 days. It was awesome to be back @ Rollie's and be reminded of how beautiful the earth is but there was a very different dynamic to my personal retreat this year. Last time I was one of the new interns, more excited than ever and this year, as a staff member, I am somewhat reserved (4!) and less excited. I think the new group is great and I am so thankful for their energy because it serves as a reminder to those who have been around for longer that UrbanPromise is awesome and our purpose is just. But I feel like I am distancing myself for my own safety....I gotta check out in less than 2 months so why make it harder than it is already going to be?? I think it is a skill to be able to continuously invest in new people despite the fact that you know they will only be in your life temporarily. To not fear goodbye's. It's all about being present. 

As for Camp Peace Remix....I am looking forward to being with the kids again and to run my own program but I need to be more excited. For me to achieve my personal goals this summer I need to be more motivated to put Remix first and all the other shit second. 

What are my goals this summer? Just quickly....

1. Develop my Leadership and Apostleship skills in preparation for future missions.

2. Spend more time with God through Prayer, taking time to go back over the past few years of my life and pray for all those things that have shaped me into the person I am....good and bad. 

3. Continue seeking Peace of mind.

4. Give myself and my kids Closure before I leave.

5. Fight the voices of the enemy and the man that are so loud inside my head.

6. Explore and apply the idea of Mercy and Pastoring in my life.

7. Spend quality time with the people and kids who have impacted me over the past year.

8. Be present and make the most of it!

The Sunday before the Monday. As we speak, friends, 12 new people are entering the UrbanPromise world and starting their 7week summer internship. That was me last year. And now I am on the other side, behind the scenes, on the inside track etc etc. 

The challenge over the next few weeks will be to embrace a new dynamic instead of worrying over losing the old one. But that is not even the biggest problem....my unbelievable stomach cramps are. They are unreal. No matter what way you sit or lie down it still hurts. If childbirth is anything like this, I will never have a family. So on my Sunday before the Monday, I'm probs going to complain alot and sleep little. 

Another random snippet from my life

Things you would not do on the kitchen table.....

Make fannypacks, Sell fannypacks, urinate, poop, cut your toenails and your girlfriends mother.

Imagine that you're always tired even though you get enough sleep, scientifically. Also imagine that when you get tired one of your eyes does this funny pink eye thing that gives the impression that you are in some way infected. And finally imagine that you just figured out you only have 2 days give or take to plan your 6week program. And staff orientation. And back-ups. 

Am I not eating properly? Am I stressed without realising it? Am I over excited and in denial? 

Or am I actually infected?

Ok so first week of orientation is nearly finito and, man, it was tough. The days were long and everything seemed so complicated. If I hadn't already been through a summer as an intern, I would be freaking out right about now.

As the after-camp care program director, my responsibilities and prep load are more laid back. Less stressful. This has advantages and disadvantages mind. It puts you in this crazy in between space where you're on a different level in terms of everything...programming, scheduling, team management, budgeting, numbers, administration. Sometimes you're not sure of what you're supposed to be doing and other times you're frustrated not having as much as other people to be doing. And the flip side...I have way more time to think about what I can do with my program. I'm able to spend more time researching my bible lessons and group activities so that I can get as much as possible out of this summer for my kids. My smaller staff team allows me to really get to know them, be more relational in the way that I manage my camp. Which, for anyone who knows me, knows thats the way I roll.

Will it all work out when new interns come and program starts? Hopefully, yes. As long as I can become comfortable in where I am and confident in what I'm doing. Paranoia is the enemy.

Life is good when you can wake up at 7:30am on your week off and happily get up and get going. You have a new lease of life since you got that tatoo you wanted, you have your Tim Hortons double doube and you're excited to have a weekend with nothing to do. 

Then you get out of your awesome 20min shower to millions of missed calls on your cell because one of your kids is in the nurse's office asking for you. Problem is, you don't live at UrbanPromise anymore, it takes you 30mins to get into East Van. So you throw your wet hair under a hat, grab a tshirt from the suitcase because you haven't unpacked anything yet since moving and run for the bus which obviously stops at every red light on the way. 

Now I'm sitting at my favourite table in the world at the UP house, typing my blog while people are moving everything around me. More sofa's, changing the pictures, changing the calenders, ripping stuff down, carpet smells of industrial cleaner etc etc.

What's the point of this entry? To let y'all know that things are a-changing in the Vancouver chapter and I haven't decided how I feel about it yet. Peace out homes. 

I moved out of the Urbs Prom house yesterday and it was strangely satisfying to get up this morning and have to travel to work. It sucked that I had to go into work my first day of vacation but at least I had to travel there. I had some sweet times in the intern house and I learned alot about community but it's past time to leave. What I learnt about community and perseverance is forever ingrained into my soul. It's a word I never used very muchos before the Vancouver chapter but now it is something I will apply to my life everywhere I go.

I also had all my evaluations/appreciations last week which were awkward, naturally. I felt very much like the little sister/young padawan which is good. It's cool knowing that you have peeps watching out for you but sometimes you want to just be on an equal playing field. One of the biggest challenges for me this summer will be establashing myself on that playing field. 

Today was the last day of Camp Peace After Schools Program. It was a fairly normal day, nothing special happened, didn't feel all that different but it was. I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I wasn't so excited to be staff instead of intern, I wasn't so excited to move out of the Urban Promise house and I wasn't so excited for the summer.

I love After Schools Program and I love the people I work with on a daily basis and it makes me apprehensive to think that those things might change. I don't like to say goodbye and I don't transition well. Although I know that both are necessary for growth, it frustrates me that no matter how many times I do it, it still never jades me, I don't get better at it. 

Why do we worry about silly things? We even know that they are silly at the time but we still worry. It always works out ok but we still worry. What I am worrying about right now is definitely not what I should be worrying about. Can anybody relate or should I be booking an appt with a physciatrist? 

P.S. Props to Camp Peace kids....just because they're awesome and I'll miss them.

A picture speaks a thousand words...

Enough said.

Religion vs Relation

Our religious spirit is something we want to get rid off. Our religious spirit sets up rules for everything in our lives and if we follow those rules and do what is expected of us then we feel deserving and confident in our righteousness. But it's us who sets the rules for what we have to do and how we have to behave to be right with God, not God himself. And the only thing God feels when we do this is disappointment. He doesn't want us to say "I did this for you so now we are all good and I can accept what you're giving me". He wants us to say "I'm sorry and I don't deserve your grace but I know I still have it". As soon as we can separate our religious spirit and sinful nature from the person God see's in us, we can start feeling free. 

And how do we burn that religious spirit? Gratitude and generousity. Always be grateful, especially for the things we don't deserve. And always be generous, especially to people who don't deserve. Totally kills the religious spirit. 

Props to Craig Mitchell. 

CAMP PEACE HAS GOTS THE GAME AND THE TROPHY WITH THE FRAME.....WATCH OUT CAUSE WE'LL BE COMING BACK AGAIN!

Camp Peace won the first all-camps day and it was awesome! A really great way to start finishing off AfterSchools Program, I was super proud of my kids. They are some of my favourite things in this world and May 30th is going to be a happy but very sad day. Even though I do want to come back and work with Camp Peace again, I still know that it will never be like this year. It's been special. Letting go will be hard. 

This has been the worst weekend I can remember in a long time. I've been so sick with the flu I have bearly been able to leave my bed. So I wasn't able to qualify for first aid this weekend but I am an expert in popping all kinds of pills. I have a rather nice collection beside my bed, all different colours and flavours. 

I started out fairly positive about the whole thing, trying to take the opportunity to chill out by myself and rest up and deal with some issues that have been distracting me lately. But it's really hard to do that when you are constantly coughing up mucus, can't talk or even breathe very well. So by the end of the weekend I felt deeply sorry for myself and for the first time this week, wished I could go home so my mum could take care of me. Because when you are here on your own, all you got is yourself.

Today I'm writing my resume to start sending home for jobs in Sept, which is rather fitting considering how we talked about re-entry in intern class this morning. I'm considering applying for some admin positions in local ministries to get a foot in the door, start making connections and applying for discipleship training schools or peace & reconciliation courses. There are alot of possibilities and I want to keep myself busy and make the most of my time at home and in an ideal world, I would have alot of it applied for before summer chaos kicks in.

Writing resume's is not easy. You have to use the right words, proof read at least 5 times and it cannot look generic. How do you make something look un-generic when everybody uses the same templates found on the same programs and the same websites? I worked on it all morning and it looked sweet on my computer screen but as soon as I printed it out it looked rubbish. A mac screen makes everything look super cool though!

So if anybody has any innovative suggestions as to how to make my resume look super awesome, please do comment. You will be rewarded with extra jewels on your crown in heaven.

Would you rather end a dictatorship or lead one?

Would you rather have your organs grow outside your body and or change sex, with all the ops?

Would you rather have your eyes glued shut or a magnetic head?

This may seem rather random but it sums up my friends here at UrbanPromise pretty well. I believe without a doubt that when I leave here, I will be unable to function in 'normal' relationships....and secretly I'm quite glad about that. 

I am supposed to be reading right now because I have set myself an (unreasonable) goal to finish my book by tomorrow but this is just too funny. 

If you know or care about my life, you will know that I am directing Camp Peace After-Care this summer with UrbanPromise. If you don't know or care about me, you know now. Anyways, they want to rename After-Care with something a little 'cooler' so we sat down this evening and brain stormed/thought showered. This is what's left after the final cut... 

1. The Orphanage

2. The Camp Peace Effect

3. Camp Peace Remix

4. Camp Peace Unicorns (CPU, or Central Philipino University, props to Kristin)

5. Camp Peace Rebound

6. Camp Peace Rainbow kids

7. Peacetopia

8. Peaceopolis

9. Death-Row

10. LIFE-row

11. Camp Peace of Mind 

12. Camp Peace Keepers

13. Camp Peace Petting Zoo

14. Camp Peace Arch

15. Camp Peace iCare

Please do vote on your favourite option. This is a hot debate and there must be one winner.

What happens when you meet up with a sister you haven't seen in a little while, get in the car and just drive? You end up with sushi at UBC and too much to talk about. But the conclusions are worth blogging about.

1. Boys are stupid sometimes and Christians suck at relationships.

2. If Jesus was here today, it might be homosexuals climbing out of trees instead of tax collectors.

3. Pride and Complacency are holding us back.

4. South Africa is where it's at.

5. Practice cautiousness.

6. Just read the bible.

It was brought to my attention today that I am a relatively slow reader. 

I'm not a stupid person, I am fairly confident of this but reading books, no matter how interesting, makes me sleepy. Anytime of the day. Alot of the time I have to re-read parts because I start to zone out. 

That's just me. I prefer to learn things from talking to other people than from books. 

89% extrovert.

Our Love Language

Note that this was written during an intern retreat. Inevitably peeps started feeling carefree and silly.

(This is a collaborative blog entry. You will find exact replicas of this post on the following blogs written by House Mom, Debsy and R.Mal)

Everybody has a unique way of communicating with other people. Here, at UrbanPromise Vancouver, we like to ensure that the people around us know exactly what we are saying.

One of our favourite ways og doing this is by using a verbal device known as "Emphatic Repitition", a term coined by our very own Ms. Kristin Cato. Basically, when you feel the need to repeat a word/phrase that has just been used in conversation, repeat the word and emphasise the individual syllables with a slightly higher pitched voice and a little more force.

Here is an example conversation (names have been altered for the protection of the real life people involve):

Toby: Hey Fiona, What are you doing?

Fiona: I'm googling emphatic repitition.

Toby (high pitched and slightly forced): Em-pha-tic Rep-i-ti-tion!

Another element of our love language, which Matt Wall R.I.P contributed, is known as the "Grumbly Voice", and is often used to make a point. It is said with a strength and a confidence that can only come from God.

Here is a real-life situation in which the Grumbly Voice was applied, whilst doing the morning crossword:

Ryan: Ok Matt, Here's one for you

matt: Hit me with it

Ryan:  The clue is 'an X-Rated dance'?

Matt: bump n GRIND!

Note that GRIND is emphasised with a slight, raspy 'grumbliness' of the voice.

This is the love language of Urb-an Prom-ise. USE IT. BAM.

I met this guy at YAPS tonight (Young Adult Professionals...not Asian Professionals) named Hal Jones and the guy is a legend. His stories are inspiring and when he speaks he is honest and heartfelt. It is obvious why he is so successful in the missions field. I am pretty envious of Jon getting to go to Africa with this dude.

Hearing him talk motivated me so much to keep my dreams alive and start researching. As soon as I get home. Now. But then on the drive home, thinking more about it and where I want to go and what I want to do it hits me that its not something I can do right now. I need to spend time, quality time, building up a support base before I go down that route. And I have committed myself to doing that at home next year and at urban promise in the future. So it is hard and frustrating for me to hear and think about missions opportunities that aren't possible for me.

Short-term missions are still viable and something I am considering for Spring 2009 so as soon as global hope's timetable comes out for '09 sign me up!

All Missionaries are Christians....All Christians are Missionaries.

Community living is hit and miss. Sometimes it is a pain in the ass and I wish I could ditch that part of my internship here at urban promise and sometimes it is the best part of being here. This week, with old peeps coming back to visit, it feels like everything went back to normal. Staying up late watching tv, standing around the kitchen making smoothies and doing crosswords, playing man tracker at stanley park. 

I always assumed that when you worked in ministry you would, for the mostpart, connect with everyone you work with. You all have a common interest. You are all trying to live in a certain way. I THOUGHT. I couldn't have been more wrong. Despite the fact that we all follow one God and yearn to serve, we all have different idea's of what that means exactly. Why is that? Is that the way it should be? Is it something inside us, a feeling, a 'hunch', that we're born with that tells us how we will serve. And from the people I have met in the last year, the way you want to serve and where you want to serve definitely has a knock on effect on the type of person you are.

Matt came back to camp today. He was the only Camp Peace intern this time last year, he loved on the kids as much as I do and he left the same way I have to do in August. There was such a mixed reaction when he came back and it wasn't what I expected at all. It was delayed and cautious as well as excited. Some kids just didn't know how to react.

And it scared me. It scared me to think of coming back to visit and the kids not feeling comfortable. How am I going say goodbye to my kids (especially some of them) and give them closure and assurance? How am I going to give myself closure?

If you were a household appliance, what would you be?

This question sums up my day quite nicely

"...I am a competitor now and forever. I am made to strive, to strain, to stretch and to succeed...I do not trust in myself. I do not boast in my abilities or believe in my own strength....whether I am preparing, practicing or playing; I submit to God's authority and those he has put over me....I give my all-all of the time. I do not give up. I do not give in. I do not give out. I am the Lord's player-a competitor by conviction and a disciple of determination. I am confident beyond reason because my confidence lies in Christ. The results of my efforts must result in His glory."

I was reminded of this creed when my friend back home posted it yesterday. I just mentioned a few of the parts that stand out for me today. There is alot more, it's pretty long. These things that stand out for me are what I am aiming for spiritually. Like a mission statement. Self confidence, dependance on God and faith in His unconditional love for me. I'm practicing for the game in Vancouver, preparing for the game back home next year and I don't yet know when or where I will be playing the game. But I'm excited to find out.

Sometimes all I want to be is normal....but maybe God doesn't want me to be normal

2 things to mention this evening (and one of them isn't how sore my butt is sitting here)

Firstly, I have a real problem saying no. I don't mind babysitting and it is a part of my ministry here in Vancouver...it is an easy way to make a little cash and it is an awesome way to build relationships with kids and families. But when you do it all weekend every weekend and then you start during the week it gets draining. It feels like I am with kids constantly which for the mostpart I love, but some nights I just want to sit in my room by myself and chill to some music. But I hate to disappoint.

And my fear of disappointing leads me to think about what Jon talked about at staff devotions this morning. How we need to amputate certain parts of ourselves so that we can live a spiritually healthy life. Which sounds harsh and like something most peeps wouldn't be thrilled about doing. But the amazing difference between amputating our fears and our inadequacies and amputating a body part like an arm or a leg, is that God will replace what we have cut off. He will replace our fears and shortcomings with a new heart and a new soul.

What do I need to amputate? My victim mentality, worrying about money, my self-confidence and ability to say no, laziness, 'over-working', holding grudges, stubborness...the list is endless.

I've broken my tailbone, my coccyx, probably one of the most functional parts of your body. I would love to say that I did this in a horrific RTA or a near death snowboarding incident but no. One evening last week, in the midst of all the craziness, I needed to let loose so we slid down the stairs on the matresses. But the one we were using had one of these slippy pee protector covers on it and I was wearing nylon track pants so I went faster than the matress. Bum bum bum down the stairs on my butt. I lay on the bottom for 10mins contemplating the pain. Now, after 4days of immense pain and a little research and a check out, it seems that this is the way it is for the next 2-3weeks.

Do not try this at home.

Spring Break Camp o-v-e-r.

I loved taking on a supervisory bossman role because I was able to do everything they way I thought was best. (With a little direction from my favourite intern director Mr Mike!). Nobody under-estimated me and (nearly) nobody questioned my authority or my intelligence. I loved it. I prayed really hard for this past week because it was more than a one-week-holiday-camp for me. It was a trial for directing CPAC this summer and a test to see if it is something I really do want to pursue after the next year. It definitely wasn't without it's frustrations...there were so many incidents where I wanted to try and do everything myself and there were times when I wished I could just sit with the kids for longer but they respected me alot more this week and it motivated me to make the week as good as I could for them. I loved it. And I'm good at it.

Highlights....

Watching Jamil reading the last supper from the bible while we took communion and the class just listening patiently to him was awesome. Nikola is an odd kid but when he recited the memory verse after only guessing 3 letters in a game of hangman, I was stunned. He is a smart kid and he earned alot of respect that class and I was so encouraged watching on the sidelines. Jilvan and Nicole taking centre stage during closing program with the traveller and the princess skit made me smile. I was so proud of them and the way they made people laugh. 

The frustations and the late nights and the early mornings and the sniffles and the coughs were all worth it. After blogging about it I don't want to even talk about the negatives anymore. Roll on the summer....

Also....being house manager is not cool.

Spring Break Camp starts in 4days. If it crashes and burns, it won't say much for me, the acting director. Obviously thats at the fore front of my mind tonight.

Not really.

There is so much 'clutter' in my headspace these days that I don't know what to do with. I am constantly re-evaluating myself and what people tell me.

"You need to stand up for yourself". Fair enough. "Problems within my community are getting worse". I agree. "You're not ready to be a site director". Disagree.

I am so busy thinking about these things over and over that it is suddenly 3am in the morning and I am still not asleep. That suddenly I am doubting my abilities even though I know deep down I am capable. That suddenly I haven't read my bible in a week and then, not so suddenly, I've separated my struggles from my God. Now I have to start bridging the gap so I can use the skills God gave me to fix my community and to stand up for myself by proving that I am more than capable of doing what I want.

Feels like I spend more time bridging gaps between me and God than enjoying my relationship with God.

Today I went to Kristin's (housemate) church and this girl talked about outreach and what she thought it was all about and a few things stood out for me to make me look at my own life here in Vancouver. Peeps always think that 'outreach' means hands on, physically going out and doing something. But I don't think this is true. I think when your asking someone if they need prayer, or if you are organising a group of young adults to meet up regularly, or if you take the time to get to know the people (kids and their families in my case) you work with....all of this is reaching out. I want to serve in South Africa but before I do that, I have to prove to myself that genuine outreach in the developed society is just as important to Gods Kingdom as outreach in the developing world.   

It was also mentioned that outreach is a compartment in our busy lives. When I was at home, my outreach was something I did after work, after school and after socialising. When I am in Vancouver, outreach IS my work, my school and a part of my social life. And this is one of the things that scares me the most about deciding to go home next year....that outreach will become a compartment again. 

You realise how much you love the kids you work with when they take part in a spelling bee and you feel everything they feel. You are nervous when they're waiting, you're spelling the words in your own head and you are so stoked when they get it right. It was like watching my own blood brothers and sisters stand on the stage.

Paragraph. P-A-R-A-G-R-A-P-H. Paragraph.

R.I.P little topless doll who spent her last few hours of life in a ziplock bag in a peanut butter jar before Bruce threw her in the garbage. Right now I can't think of a worse way to die.

Round 2 starts tomorrow!

I just finished watching Jesus Camp and it was awful...I feel so unsettled after it. (But that might also be due to the fact that it is after 2am and I am still babysitting). I can't put my opinion into words because it is so messed up in my head (and because I am so tired) but I am definitely very cynical, and I am thinking about and doubting alot of different things. 

I felt sorry for the kids in this documentary. I felt like they were being tricked out of their right to choose themselves what they believe. 75% of 'evangelical' christians are homeschooled...that is ridiculous. The only reason for this that I can see is that the parents and the 'evangelical' institutions don't want their kids attending public schools because they know that if they did, they would be exposed to a world where they are free to make they're own decisions. Where they are challenged and questioned and hardened by society. If I weren't a christian and I watched this, or if one of my kids at camp were to watch this, I believe that they would run a mile from the God depicted. Which is the exact opposite of evangelism isn't it?

Scratch that.....car doesn't work so no more Portland. Little bit gutted but as long as I can get a refund maybs this is a blessing in disguise!! I was so pissed off yesterday, even at camp the kids were getting to me. The constant bickering and telling tales, I don't understand it. There has to be a way to allow these kids to see how lucky they are to have their little Camp Peace gang to fall back on all the time. They are going to face alot worse as they grow up so they need to stick together.....

Awesome photo's of my kids...definite keepers!! In the next 2days I have 16hours of driving and a hardcore conference. I haven't even left yet and I am falling asleep alreads! Can I get a red bull please thank you

Holy discontentment...when things in your life are all good from the outside looking in, but inside looking out, things aren't so hot. It's not where God wants you to be. You're not working towards where God wants you to go. I think it is a state of mind we all go through and, as I heard talked about tonight, you have to decide whether to make a radical change or continue with the 'good life'. Either way is God willing, He will use you on either path. 

But I want the dynamic  and radical life. I want to meet new people all the time so I can keep learning about myself and about God. I want to continue finding out what my gifts and strengths are but I want to do that 'on-the-job'. I don't want to waste anymore years of my life training for the job whatever it is. I want to direct Camp Peace. I want to live in South Africa. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTEib4B-QFA

Valentine's day is never a big deal for me....I don't make a big deal over it and I'm not bitter about it. But I had a really nice night tonight with Laura! Saw Step Up 2:the streets and the dancing in that movie is so sick, I loved it! Then we sat in the mall and talked for ages, got a few things off our chests..... just like we did every night last semester. Good times.

Then when I got home and went to bed, I found this little guy on my pillow! A little encouraging pink turtle! 

Praise Jesus! For answered prayer!

There are alot of things I could write about today but I don't want to overshadow the fact that God answers or prayers, in big obvious ways. Jilvan found out today that his dad, who has been absent from his life for the past 4yrs, is coming home. I am so excited for them and cannot wait to meet his dad. And I can't imagine how happy Jilvan and his family are tonight. The last 4yrs of sadness and struggle are forgotten and replaced with excitement for the future. Awesome.

One blog post, 3mins. I am determined to get to sleep tonight. I haven't been able to very well the past few nights because I keep thinking about my future but that is a whole other long-winded entry. Which might never come because I never have that much spare time in one go.

Anyways, I came home the other night (Jon scared the s*** out of me) and we're all sitting around talking, pretty normal but they start to talk about asians in north america, what it means to be first generation or second generation or whatever. I couldn't contribute to the conversation whatsoever. Everybody in Ireland is fully irish because it is one little single culture bubble. I have never struggled with racial or ethnic identity because I am white always having lived in a white world. And you know what....I don't think I am at the advantage. Because I look at the peeps in this conversation and every single one of them probs has a better idea of who they really are than I ever have. Growing up it would seem like I was 10steps ahead, now that I am older I'm back at 'go'. 

For the first time in a long time, God, my Father physically spoke to me today. Loneliness. Hating on myself. Trust Issues. It's all holding me back from accepting the love of Christ and realising it's impact on my life. God is going to help me make the decisions I have to make right now so here's praying I can empty my headspace enough to hear Him and let Him.

"....But while he was still a long ways off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms round him and kissed him." Luke 15:20

God is OUR Father. Even when we are a long ways off the right path or the right decisions, he pursues us and loves us. FACT.

On a lighter note, I nearly started a fire in the Urban Proms kitchen today. Props to Jon who ran up pretty quick when I yelled "Fire"!

Lent starts tomorrow....Bubye Coca-Cola

Today I started to learn to play guitar....half an hour, 4 chords. Haven't a clue what I'm doing. 

Everybody does it now....learns to play guitar. Especially Christians but so what? I am a Christian! 

I spend so long thinking of a title for a post that I lose interest in making the post....dumb! Here's hoping I get better at it! Is quick witty thinking something you can get better at?

My crazy yet very loveable housemates are on a blogging high these days so I hopped on the bandwagon and this is the result. It is a little bit like the evil doll that somebody started hiding in random places all over the house....now we're all doing it. Just last night I turned over to go to sleep and there she was staring back at me.

Maybe if we give her a name she won't be so scary....all suggestions welcome