I'm burnt out and wasted. I'm tired of pacing. Busy erasing voices in my head and knots in my stomach. Everything changed and people became faceless. But I want to replace this wasted attitude. I want to believe that people are good and not manipulating or deceptive.

Have I been a sinner? Yes. Have I been a lover? Yes. Have I been a killer? Yes. Have I been a victim? Yes. This world is completely alien...I want to escape it, or embrace it. I keep re-arranging everything I know, it's the only thing I know how to do. I'm in a strange, strange place but they say that even fools can find their way out of the dark.

Jenson Button is like totally F1 world champion. I'm ashamed to admit that I have still not watched it, but I have been waiting since the tender age of 14 for him to do it. Ever since I first saw him on TFI Friday with Chris Evans, photocopied his picture out of a magazine and stuck it on the inside of my school folder...when I was 14. That was 9 years ago.

Perseverance and Integrity. He totally beat the "man". I love it when the "man" gets beat.

I'm reading a course in youth work this semester. It's what I should have been studying back when I left school. But it's on weekends. Driving to college @ 9am on a Sunday is unatural...I think I saw tumbleweed roll along the Malone Road. And it means that today was not only Monday, but day 8 on the slow moving train to a land of days off.

But this is not the point, surprisingly. On Sat morning, I was asked/forced to answer a sheet of reflective questions. The type of questions everybody hates to think about because you know the answer in your head but not in actual written words that make sense. Why do you want to do youth work? Why do you want to work with young peeps where you do? What are your personal values and how do they impact your youth work?...that's the biggie, my 'personal' values. I'd rather you give me a sheet of calculus to complete. Whilst thinking really hard about the answer, I had to remind myself I was taking an academic course and not group therapy. Had I been tricked???

No. But seriously, and I promise you'll rarely hear me positively feedback on such exercises, it was good. Like suddenly braking in a fast moving car at a big dirty red light. Forced to stop and rethink your speed....what's more important.....getting to your destination quicker or staying safe? I was reminded of what I personally value the most and it helped me realize and understand a little better the reason and the way I react to some things and don't react to others.

And what is it I value the most?

Resilience, Relationships and 2-way accountability rooted in faith and love the best I can.

Sometimes you have to laugh at life. It's a fairly normal afternoon at after schools club (which still needs a name...the board of governor's didn't approve the WHS prep petting zoo), when I look to the door expecting another late parent worrying about a traffic warden sticking a ticket on their beamer. And here's the funny/tragic/sends a cinematic shudder across the floor part....there's my social worker standing in the doorway.

Behind me, there's one kid lying on the floor cause he just fell of his seat, one kid passed out on the beanbags face down after hockey practice, girls hiding from their parents under the tables and Max playing cards with his imaginary friend Ziggy.

The mental image is hilarious I'll admit, and I'm pretty sure my facial expression was comical perfection but there was awkwardness, and a time delay and a little stuttering.

This woman scares me more than my own mother.

Thankfully the next hour went relatively successfully if you delete the lengthy conversations regarding hand sanitizer, anti-bacterials and using dots instead of x's in the attendance records. But the fact remains that this short little lady will haunt me for the remainder of this year and has the power to fire me at any point for any reason....like using an anti-bacterial spray that kills only 99.5% of bacterias as supposed to 99.9%

C'est la vie...

The state of my life in general can often be gauged by the state of my bedroom. If it's too clean you can be pretty sure that I am distracting myself. Pretending to be tidy and organized but I'm not. Pretending that I'm ok. On the other end hand, if my room is ridiculously messy, you can be certain that I'm too pissed off or upset or bored to even bother anymore. Lying on the floor amidst the mess seems like a better option. Quitting completely vs Pretending.

So looking around me right now, my bed isn't made, I'm wearing the same clothes as last night listening to Lifehouse, there is a basket of clean laundry waiting to be folded that has been there since Monday, DVDs are everywhere and the cases are somewhere else, there is a pile of hangers right in the middle of the floor and if I try to hang anything else on the back of my door I won't be able to get in the door. Nothing I own has a lid on, drawers are just open, my lampshade is crooked and I could open a cafe with the number of coffee cups lying around.

Is this a cryptic enough way to tell y'all that life is shite?

Where is God?