Sometimes all I want to be is normal....but maybe God doesn't want me to be normal

2 things to mention this evening (and one of them isn't how sore my butt is sitting here)

Firstly, I have a real problem saying no. I don't mind babysitting and it is a part of my ministry here in Vancouver...it is an easy way to make a little cash and it is an awesome way to build relationships with kids and families. But when you do it all weekend every weekend and then you start during the week it gets draining. It feels like I am with kids constantly which for the mostpart I love, but some nights I just want to sit in my room by myself and chill to some music. But I hate to disappoint.

And my fear of disappointing leads me to think about what Jon talked about at staff devotions this morning. How we need to amputate certain parts of ourselves so that we can live a spiritually healthy life. Which sounds harsh and like something most peeps wouldn't be thrilled about doing. But the amazing difference between amputating our fears and our inadequacies and amputating a body part like an arm or a leg, is that God will replace what we have cut off. He will replace our fears and shortcomings with a new heart and a new soul.

What do I need to amputate? My victim mentality, worrying about money, my self-confidence and ability to say no, laziness, 'over-working', holding grudges, stubborness...the list is endless.

I've broken my tailbone, my coccyx, probably one of the most functional parts of your body. I would love to say that I did this in a horrific RTA or a near death snowboarding incident but no. One evening last week, in the midst of all the craziness, I needed to let loose so we slid down the stairs on the matresses. But the one we were using had one of these slippy pee protector covers on it and I was wearing nylon track pants so I went faster than the matress. Bum bum bum down the stairs on my butt. I lay on the bottom for 10mins contemplating the pain. Now, after 4days of immense pain and a little research and a check out, it seems that this is the way it is for the next 2-3weeks.

Do not try this at home.

Spring Break Camp o-v-e-r.

I loved taking on a supervisory bossman role because I was able to do everything they way I thought was best. (With a little direction from my favourite intern director Mr Mike!). Nobody under-estimated me and (nearly) nobody questioned my authority or my intelligence. I loved it. I prayed really hard for this past week because it was more than a one-week-holiday-camp for me. It was a trial for directing CPAC this summer and a test to see if it is something I really do want to pursue after the next year. It definitely wasn't without it's frustrations...there were so many incidents where I wanted to try and do everything myself and there were times when I wished I could just sit with the kids for longer but they respected me alot more this week and it motivated me to make the week as good as I could for them. I loved it. And I'm good at it.

Highlights....

Watching Jamil reading the last supper from the bible while we took communion and the class just listening patiently to him was awesome. Nikola is an odd kid but when he recited the memory verse after only guessing 3 letters in a game of hangman, I was stunned. He is a smart kid and he earned alot of respect that class and I was so encouraged watching on the sidelines. Jilvan and Nicole taking centre stage during closing program with the traveller and the princess skit made me smile. I was so proud of them and the way they made people laugh. 

The frustations and the late nights and the early mornings and the sniffles and the coughs were all worth it. After blogging about it I don't want to even talk about the negatives anymore. Roll on the summer....

Also....being house manager is not cool.

Spring Break Camp starts in 4days. If it crashes and burns, it won't say much for me, the acting director. Obviously thats at the fore front of my mind tonight.

Not really.

There is so much 'clutter' in my headspace these days that I don't know what to do with. I am constantly re-evaluating myself and what people tell me.

"You need to stand up for yourself". Fair enough. "Problems within my community are getting worse". I agree. "You're not ready to be a site director". Disagree.

I am so busy thinking about these things over and over that it is suddenly 3am in the morning and I am still not asleep. That suddenly I am doubting my abilities even though I know deep down I am capable. That suddenly I haven't read my bible in a week and then, not so suddenly, I've separated my struggles from my God. Now I have to start bridging the gap so I can use the skills God gave me to fix my community and to stand up for myself by proving that I am more than capable of doing what I want.

Feels like I spend more time bridging gaps between me and God than enjoying my relationship with God.

Today I went to Kristin's (housemate) church and this girl talked about outreach and what she thought it was all about and a few things stood out for me to make me look at my own life here in Vancouver. Peeps always think that 'outreach' means hands on, physically going out and doing something. But I don't think this is true. I think when your asking someone if they need prayer, or if you are organising a group of young adults to meet up regularly, or if you take the time to get to know the people (kids and their families in my case) you work with....all of this is reaching out. I want to serve in South Africa but before I do that, I have to prove to myself that genuine outreach in the developed society is just as important to Gods Kingdom as outreach in the developing world.   

It was also mentioned that outreach is a compartment in our busy lives. When I was at home, my outreach was something I did after work, after school and after socialising. When I am in Vancouver, outreach IS my work, my school and a part of my social life. And this is one of the things that scares me the most about deciding to go home next year....that outreach will become a compartment again. 

You realise how much you love the kids you work with when they take part in a spelling bee and you feel everything they feel. You are nervous when they're waiting, you're spelling the words in your own head and you are so stoked when they get it right. It was like watching my own blood brothers and sisters stand on the stage.

Paragraph. P-A-R-A-G-R-A-P-H. Paragraph.

R.I.P little topless doll who spent her last few hours of life in a ziplock bag in a peanut butter jar before Bruce threw her in the garbage. Right now I can't think of a worse way to die.

Round 2 starts tomorrow!